Desire

You know that Scene in “Up” where Ellie and Carl are laying down looking up into the sky and she starts to see the clouds turn into babies. 

Well I feel like that’s been me since I was a very little girl. I’ve wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I’ve always had this deep desire to have a kid. That desire went way further than playing house or carrying around dolls as if they were real babies. And right now, at 24 years old, that desire is exploding. Jon and I know 13 couples that are pregnant right now…. 13!!!! And on top of that in the last year a lot of our friends have had babies.

Babies and pregnancy are all around me.

From songs about being a mom (this one's dear to my heart)

to Pins on Pinterest of babyish things

to articles about the joy of being a mom

to baby birthday parties.

While my desire hasn’t evolved into full blown hallucinations of clouds turning into babies, it’s still an ever present feeling.

So to go back to the movie “Up” for just a quick second……… It’s one of the only movies that makes me full on SOB!!! Now, If you know me, you know I cry at almost any commercial but not cry like I do when I watch “Up”. There’s a reasonable explanation why. First off…… her name is “Ellie”. So instantly I’m feeling super connected to the character seeing we have the same name. Then you throw in the fact that she’s not able to have kids......... Because this desire in me is sooo strong to be a mom and be pregnant, inevitably I fear that that desire will never come true for me.

The bottom line is I don’t know when my time will come or if it even will come. All I can do for now is to trust that God’s plan is bigger than me.

 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding”. 

Extra Time

So far what I've been learning with this fast is how much extra time I have 




Monday I ended up working a half day and with the rest of the day I took my kindle to Starbucks and started reading "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. I love her books..... I've only read a few but I've wanted to read this one for years. When Jon got off work we took Cooper to the dog park then went into Huntington to have a little date. We used a gift card to go to CPK and then went over to REI (twist my arm) where Jon spent his Christmas money on 5 finger shoes. Jon can handle shoes like that from all his years at Hume Lake walking around barefoot everywhere. 


When we got home we continued reading Harry Potter out loud together. Jon's family did this growing up and Jon and I began doing this a few years ago when we started "The Hobbit". We're about 3 quarters of the way through the first Harry Potter book. I have to tell you though.................................................................................................
I am sooo excited to be reading the books. We both LOVE the movies and we're so excited to hear more background on a bunch of the characters.


Tuesday after work I met up with Lauren and we went to Disneyland for a few hours. It was packed.

The new Little Mermaid ride is really cool

Wednesday after work I stopped off to get my new fav sushi roll on my way to join Jon at Biola. It has shrimp tempura, crab, and cream cheese...... you should get the picture of its amazingness. Jon is taking an inter term class that has him most nights at school till 9:30. During the night they watch a movie and discuss all the difference ways faith can play into it. The movie was "Amazing Grace" and it was a really amazing historical movie thats def worth the watch........ ( now for those of you that are freaking out going..... you just watched a movie during your fast....... well for me I decided that movies would be okay as long as it was intentionally watching and I wasn't by myself- this was about as intentional as it can get)

Thursday after work Jon and I took Cooper to the dog park again. It was later than we usually go so Cooper didnt have his usual friends to play with so instead Jon kicked around a deflated basketball with Cooper and man was he obsessed. I dont know if I've ever seen Cooper that attentive.

The coolest thing about this week is all the little pockets of extra time I"m finding I have....

-I'm taking longer showers

- I'm actually taking time to get ready for work as opposed to doing my makeup in the car on my way to work (which is only .5 miles away)

- I'm playing in the apt. with Cooper more

- I'm listening to music

And tonight I'm going to go help out Jon's mom and Dad babysit my beautiful nieces. 

90 days

TV has always been MY thing……. 

Even though we don’t have cable I find ways to make TV shows my thing……. HULU, Netflix, different season of shows I own on DVD. I ALWAYS watch TV.

I’m in this Women’s study on Monday nights and it gave us a challenge to give up the thing that was “your idol” for 90 days. For me I was able to identify that it was TV.

Now you may be thinking like I have done many times…. TV isn’t an idol…. It’s just a way to relax. But the thing is……… it is for me. You can call it an Idol, a negative coping mechanism, whatever. For me I know my interaction with TV SCREAMS unhealthy.

If I’m having a bad day I go to TV instead of praying about it or giving it up to God.

If I’m bored I go watch TV not go do something productive.

In the mornings when I have extra time because I’ve woken up early I watch TV not go read my Bible.

After a long day when I get home with Jon I watch TV not clean the house together or go for a walk together or read together or play music together.

TV has been robing me of things I want in my life. But it’s not TV it’s because of my own doing.

And even worse I’m turning to TV to cope. Coping is defined in psychological terms as "constantly changing cognitive and behavioral efforts to manage specific external and/or internal demands that are appraised as taxing". Basically what this is saying is that I’m trying to cover up what I’m feel when I cope. The external and internal stuff is too “taxing” so instead I’ll change my thinking onto something else. This is not healthy……... Bottom line.

So I’ve chosen to stop watching TV for 90 days. I could have picked something easier or said “Ok so I wont watch TV on Thursdays” but I know that TV is my issue. I know that I want to change my relationship with TV. My hope is that after 90 days I wont call in sick at work and binge on TV for days but that my relationship with TV will have changed dramatically. I know that this will be hard…. I’m only on day 3 and I already want to jump on HULU to see what I have on my queue. When someone I know fasted from their coping of choice for 90 days they actually went through some pretty weird withdrawals. Halfway into the process they woke up feeling intense anxiety that they had been masking with coping in unhealthy ways for years and years.

So stay tuned for, I’m sure, lots of crazy posts about all the extra things I’m able to do with all my extra time.